


A Life Is A Fight That Has Never Been Won

by LostAnthems



Category: Captain America - All Media Types, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: AU, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-22
Updated: 2014-04-22
Packaged: 2018-01-20 09:03:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,087
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1504574
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LostAnthems/pseuds/LostAnthems
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Something is wrong. He is not supposed to be in this bar. Howling Commandos are not supposed to be here with him. And Bucky is not supposed to be alive. His arm shouldn't rest on Steve's shoulder. He shouldn't smile and laugh and look at Steve. He is dead. He fell off that damn train and Steve couldn't catch him, and-</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Life Is A Fight That Has Never Been Won

Something is wrong. He is _not_ supposed to be in this bar. Howling Commandos are _not_ supposed to be here with him. And Bucky is _not_ supposed to be alive. His arm shouldn't rest on Steve's shoulder. He shouldn't smile and laugh and look at Steve. He is dead. He fell off that damn train and Steve couldn't catch him, and-  
  
«Steve, you okay?»  
  
He sees worry in Bucky's eyes and follows his gaze to his hand, which bleeds. He openes it and shattered glass falls on the wooden floor. Steve stands up and tries to apologize to the bartender when Bucky takes his chin and makes Steve look right in his piercing blue eyes.  
  
«What's wrong?», he asks.  
  
What can he possibly say to this? That everything around him doesn't feel real? That Bucky, _his_ Bucky, is dead?  
  
There are thoughts flashing through his mind and suddenly he feels so cold he can't breath, so he pushes his friend away and tries to move to the exit, but there's so many people in his way...  
  
Finally, he makes it to the street and tries to breath in the cold air, but something doesn't let his body do it. It makes him feel like the guy he used to be, when he had to fight his own body to survive, because even it couldn't stand him being alive and living. He wants to scream but there's no air in his lungs so he pushes his way through the crowd, trying to make his way to his and Bucky's place. His arm clutches the fabric just right above his heart and, suddenly, he stops. Bucky is there, right beside him, where he should be but not supposed to.  
  
«You-- Buck, you are---»  
  
«Just- just breathe, Steve... in... out... come on, buddy. I know you can do it»  
  
«Can't-»  
  
«Look at me, Steve. Try to breath with me. Come on...»  
  
And he can breathe again. Slowly, he gains control of his body and that's when he feels it. He feels Bucky's presence with every cell of his body. His shoulder burns hot where Bucky touches him. He wants it to be real. He needs it to be real. So he presses his body close to Bucky's, hugging the guy so tight he squeals.  
  
«Careful, big boy», Bucky laughs. And it is the single best sound in this world. Steve gently pushes away, but Bucky pulls him back and they stand like that for a long moment, not letting go.  
  
«We should probably go home»  
  
«Yeah, we should»  
  
But neither of them moved.  
  
Finally, Bucky steps back, smiles softly and takes Steve's hand. «Lets go, Captain»  
  
And Steve knows that he will follow this guy to hell and back.  
  
***  
  
  
Bucky lies on the bed, while Steve seats in the armchair right next to him. Steve laughs at something his friend said. Sketchbook is long forgotten in his lap, pencil moves between his fingers, scary thoughts left his mind. All he feels is comfort that streams from Bucky. His pose is relaxed, legs tangled between the blanket, his chocolate-haired head resting on the left arm. The smile that is plastered across his face makes Steve's heart beat faster.  
  
He doesn't know what he feels towards Bucky. Never knew. Or, at least, never was certain. They have been friends since forever. They have lived together for so long that it was nearly impossible for Steve to imagine his life without the most important person on this planet. Bucky is his friend, his brother, his-  
  
«Whatcha thinkin' 'bout, big boy?» he heard the man in question say.  
  
He smiles. «Nothing that matters»  
  
«The last time you said this you went off and tried to join the army», Bucky's smile fades away. «You better tell me if you plan on doing anything unexpected»  
  
«If it's supposed to be unexpected, why would I tell you?» Steve smirks and his gaze falls on his friend's fingers that nervously clench the blanket beneath them. His heart drops down to his stomach and he tries, «Don't- don't worry 'bout me, okay?»  
  
Bucky sits up and now he's right in front of Steve, feet tucked under himself, hands resting on his knees and his eye drilling a hole through Steve's head. «Don't worry about you, huh?" he whispers. «Steve, do you even know what you mean to me? I know you. You, Captain, are the most selfless person on the earth. And all those thoughts you keep in your clever head are definitely not 'bout saving your own ass and running from this damn war»  
  
«No, they aren't. And they never will be»  
  
«Then tell me, what should I be afraid of happening to you in the near future?»  
  
Steve chuckles.  
  
«What's so funny 'bout this, asshole?» Bucky hits him in the shoulder and takes the pencil out of Steve's hand. He looks at it for a short moment, and then accurately  throws it into the poster on the wall. Walls are thin, so the pencil goes a few inches in. But this is not what surprises Steve. It's the fact that it hit the pin-up girl on the poster right in the eye. And James wasn't even looking at it when he threw the pencil.  
  
«I was practicing for a while», Bucky says. And all Steve manages to do is nod to acknowledge that fact. «Will you tell me what's on your mind or I have to take the damn pencil out of the wall and push it right into your--»  
  
«Buck»  
  
«What?»  
  
«Are you okay?»  
  
«What do you mean? Of course, I'm okay» He laces his fingers and stares right at Steve.  
  
«Really? I'm not so sure about it»  
  
«What do you think is wrong with me?», he scowls.  
  
«There's nothing wrong with you... It's just- after you were saved from Zola, there's something off about you»  
  
Humorless laugh escapes Bucky's mouth. «Maybe you're right. I'm not the same person I was»  
  
«Buck- you know you can talk to me, right?» Steve says quietly.  
  
A shiver runs down Bucky's spine. He stands up and makes a step towards the door. But, suddenly, he stops and turns back rushing back to the armchair. With James standing above him, looking with such anger and desperation, Steve feels small again.  
  
«You are so goddamn wrong, Steve. I can talk to NO ONE», he shouts.  
  
 «Why?» Steve asks calmly. He gets up, puts his arms on friend's shoulders and says, «No matter what it is you are so scared about, I will try and help you. That's what I'm here for, right?» He manages a weak smile, and all he sees is Bucky's  teary eyes.  
  
James shakes his head, and tries to push away when Steve pulls him into a hug. But the warmth of Steve's body, the feeling of home that is always there when he's with him, side by side, makes him give in.  
  
Steve feels Bucky's body shaking and the grip of his hands on friend's shoulder tightens. «Shhhh... It's-- it's gonna be okay...» Bucky shakes his head and a sob leaves his mouth.  
  
«Steve-- when I was there-- I realized one thing», he manages to say through the tears, «I don't need those girls from bars- I don't need anyone-- anyone but you...»  
  
He feels Steve's body tense. Pushes away. Takes a deep breath. Wipes away the tear that falls on his right cheek. Breaths out.  
  
«Forget what I said»  
  
Steve stands there for a long moment and all James wants right now is to run away from here, to forget about this moment and never return. But he's an egoist. He will never leave Steve, because he can't live without this guy. And even if Steve will push him away, he will fight by his side and die for him, if needed. But never leave. Never.  
  
«No», he barely hears Steve say. Steve coughs and says louder, «No. I--»  
  
«It will be okay if you want to leave, Steve. I would totally understand, considering what people think about it. I won't blame you and-»  
  
«Shut up»  
  
«Excuse me?»  
  
«Can you shut up, you idiot?» Steve smiles and for the first time in a long time, Bucky knows what it really is to be happy.  
  
And maybe somewhere deep inside Steve feels that what's happening around him is just an illusion, nothing more than a lie. But, for a while, he wants to believe it.  
  
  
***  
  
«You know, we should go on a date some time», he hears Bucky say into his hair.  
  
«Yeah, we definitely should», he answers and moves himself closer to Bucky's chest.  
  
  
***  
  
«Look, I'm sorry 'bout that little show back there. We thought it's best to break it to you slow»  
  
«What?»  
  
«You've been asleep, Cap. For almost seventy years... You gonna be okay?»  
  
«Yeah- yeah, I just... I had a date»  
  
  
***  
  
  
Reality hit him in the gut. This is not the world that he was used to. These people are not like ones he knew. This society is so different from the one he grew up in. But it's not only the present that scares him. It's that he can't remember what truly happened in the past.  
  
He remembers the plane crash. He remembers the cold water and losing his consciousness. But what happened before? Did Bucky die? Or was mission successful?  
  
Was everything about them just a dream that he had while being frozen? Or was it true?  
  
He doesn't know answers to these questions. And he is going crazy because all he knows is that he is in the damn 21st century with no one close to him around. Except for, maybe, Natasha. He is growing to like her.  
  
She sees that Steve is depressed. And he is sure that she is close to finding out why. So Steve wasn't that surprised when she pushed him into the wall and whispered in his ear, «Happy birthday, asshole. Here's your gift. I think there's no need to tell you that no one should know about this», gave him some papers, winked and left Steve for his own good.  
  
When he looked down... Well, it was the best gift anyone could give him at that time.  
  
A file. His file. With all information about his past. A moment and he would know the truth. So he opened it. For a few seconds his eyes were running along the lines. But then something caught his attention. «During the mission Lieutenant James Buchanan Barnes of 107th was deceased. Admitted dead. Body not found»  
  
His heart stopped beating for a moment. That was it. Bucky died before Steve could tell him how much he loved him.  
  
  
***  
  
**Epilogue**  
  
After everything that happened with S.H.I.E.L.D., after finding out that Hydra was still active, after finding out that Bucky was alive, Steve didn't give up. He searched for months. And found what he sought.  
  
The only person that mattered is now standing before him, but not seeing him. Bucky looks at displays that tell about his life, their friendship, his bravery and his death.  And Steve forces himself to take step forward. Then one more. Two. Three. Four. Until he stands right beside James.  
  
«You know», Bucky doesn't move, but all his body tenses and his hands clench into fists, «there are so many things I didn't tell you»  
  
Bucky turns and their gazes meet. There's no soldier in his eyes right now. All Steve sees is his long lost friend whose eyes are full of tears and who suffered so much...  
  
«Steve- I- I'm sorry»  
  
«Don't be. It wasn't you who did those things»  
  
«Its not what I'm talking about right now. I'm - I'm sorry I left you alone. I'm sorry you had to die without knowing how much you meant to me. How much you MEAN to me»  
  
«It's okay, Buck. It's okay»  
  
  
***  
  
Sometimes The Winter Soldier returns. And at those times Steve has to fight for Bucky. Yes, Tessaract returned the memories that Bucky lost. But nothing can overcome seventy years of physical and moral torture.  
  
At first, Bucky stayed at Steve's. But after a few sleepless nights full of nightmares, they started sleeping in one bed. And when his Bucky said, «You know, we should go on a date some time», all he can answer is, «Yeah, we definitely should»  
  
Their lives are fights. They fight for themselves. They fight for each other. They have so many obstacles to overcome. But know they have new memories to cover the pain.


End file.
